It’s a common saying, which most of us can relate to in one way or another. However what do we mean by it ‘makes us stronger’? Often others will say this to help us through a difficult situation, they are words of encouragement. It can help to think that we have not gone through a difficult time for no reason and we have learnt from it.
If we have experienced hardship in our lives, especially at the hands of someone else, perhaps we think that stronger means we will make sure in future that we will be less vulnerable, that we will not allow this situation to happen again because it is too painful. However what does it mean to make ourselves less vulnerable, what has to happen internally for this to take place? Generally to make ourselves less vulnerable, we put up barriers, we build a wall around ourselves and vow we will not let others hurt us again. We will no longer let others penetrate our defences, and our walls are strong to protect ourselves, perhaps that is what we mean by ‘makes us stronger’.
We do need to have defence mechanisms in place to protect ourselves, and I would not suggest we should knock them down completely, however perhaps it is occasionally OK to peek over our defences to see what is on the other side. What are we missing out on by having these strong, high walls in place? I would suggest the ability to connect with others and experiencing the richness of relationships. It is difficult to connect with others without showing our vulnerabilities, and if we cannot connect with others, we lose our sense of belonging. A sense of belonging is a very important part of being a happy human being. As Maslow’s (1943, 1954) Hierachy of Needs theory suggests (below), to reach self-actualisation, i.e the best that we can be as an individual, belonging is a building block to this. With each block we get closer to happiness and inner peace, and other than our basic needs such as food, shelter and safety, belonging is one of the most important building blocks here.
This theory suggests that we cannot move onto the next block until the one beneath is fulfilled, therefore if we cannot feel a sense of belonging, can we not achieve a sense of self-esteem? And how can we achieve a sense of belonging if our walls are so high we are not allowing others in?
I wonder as an alternative to putting up barriers to stop others from hurting us, ‘strength’ actually comes from knowing our vulnerabilities and feeling the fear, but doing it anyway. Yes, our experiences can make us stronger, however it is a choice as to whether this ‘strength’ comes from a place of fear and denies us a basic human need of belonging, or whether we choose to believe that the risk of allowing others through our barriers is worth the richness relationships can bring to our lives. What will you choose?
Ref: McLeod, S. A. (2007). Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs - Simply Psychology.Retrieved from - http://www.simplypsychology.org/maslow.html